Monday, September 10, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th September 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. On Monday, the number 12 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 4 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 34, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

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