Sunday, September 2, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd August 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as George Washington and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Tuesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 53, the color black and someone who has a connection to John F. Kennedy, Jr. will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Tuesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

No comments: