Sunday, March 3, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th March 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. On Tuesday, the color white, the number 62 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. On Sunday, the number 45 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Try relaxing on Saturday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

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