Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A pretty young woman connected to the number 70 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Charlie Brown. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Alexander Graham Bell then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. When you and a Limpet get together on Tuesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 64, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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