Sunday, August 11, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th August 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 51 feet, but no more than a mile. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Saturday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something about the number 1 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. The number 62 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You are not Ernest Hemingway, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Shirley MacLaine in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

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