Sunday, August 18, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th August 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 57 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you John Travolta in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Terry Bradshaw, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

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