Sunday, August 25, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th August 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. A man connected with the number 28 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 73, the color yellow and someone who has a connection to Dan Aykroyd will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

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