Sunday, November 17, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th November 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 10 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Dan Rather, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Saturday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Friday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Mother Teresa at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A man connected with the number 74 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you General Norman Schwarzkopf in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

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