Sunday, April 19, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th April 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. On Sunday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Nathaniel Hawthorne driving a blue car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

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