Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st October 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Vincent Van Gogh, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. You are not John Katz, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Margaret Thatcher a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.