Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Rick Santorum. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 94 feet, but no more than a mile. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 41 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.