Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 19, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Bill Gates will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something about the number 54 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. On Tuesday, the color pink, the number 50 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. On Sunday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Monday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.