This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Leonardo Da Vinci, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Phil Donahue, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
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