A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. On Wednesday, the color orange, the number 21 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Monday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
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