They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Monday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Fred Astaire at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dr. Seuss. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
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