Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Get out and enjoy life on Friday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Avoid the number 18 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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