You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid the number 74 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Chevy Chase, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The number 8 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Dan Rather a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
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