A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Tuesday this week. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Wednesday who looks at all like Michelangelo, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Hook up with an Octopus on Monday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. A man connected with the number 74 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
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