A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
On Thursday, the number 96 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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