Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th August 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Monday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Sunday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A man connected with the number 74 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. On Thursday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th August 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The number 88 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

In a parallel universe you were born as Cleopatra. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Mae West and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Miley Cyrus, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. On Tuesday, the color red, the number 91 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Avoid the number 18 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th August 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The number 66 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th August 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. The number 6 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Ross Perot in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Thursday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Mr. Rogers at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

[?2004h