Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 80 feet, but no more than a mile. If you see anybody this week who looks like Gandhi, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Isaac Newton, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 8 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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