Horoscopes for week beginning 15th September

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Laughter will fill the air on Thursday. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Dietary choices will be important for you. Consider avoiding foods from France, Jamaica or Burkina Faso. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

The Slug
July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? On Tuesday, there may be an opportunity to do just that. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Walk briskly on Wednesday, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness.