Horoscopes for week beginning 29th September

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Also, take note of the old saying 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. These words will be important this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think out of the box. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do?

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye.

The Slug
July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of clams. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out.