The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You are not Napoleon, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug
July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If you see anybody this week who looks like Vincent Van Gogh, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Jim Carrey in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Try relaxing on Friday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st November 2011
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like William F. Buckley, Jr., then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 48, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. The number 62 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A green car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If you see anybody this week who looks like Peter Jennings, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like William F. Buckley, Jr., then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 48, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. The number 62 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A green car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If you see anybody this week who looks like Peter Jennings, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th November 2011
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th November 2011
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Get out and enjoy life on Friday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
In a parallel universe you were born as Tiger Woods. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Saturday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Get out and enjoy life on Friday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
In a parallel universe you were born as Tiger Woods. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Saturday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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