Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th November 2011

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Get out and enjoy life on Friday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
In a parallel universe you were born as Tiger Woods. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Saturday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.