Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th March 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Something about the number 86 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Something involving the color black will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Tuesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.