If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Avoid the number 44 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. On Monday night you will dream of being Colin L. Powell. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Charles Yeager, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
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