Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th April 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Should you wear purple on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Thursday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.