Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th April 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Tuesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Lucille Ball driving a blue car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Saturday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.