Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th September 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet John F. Kennedy, Jr. and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.