Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th July 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. A man connected with the number 14 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A man connected with the number 84 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
The number 9 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Michael J. Fox then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.