Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th June 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Jimmy Conners. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A man connected with the number 12 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. On Thursday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Thursday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Wednesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something involving the color red will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.