Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th August 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you see anybody this week who looks like Carrie Fisher, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Herman Cain, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You will bump into a Mussel on Saturday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. A pretty young woman connected to the number 73 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.