The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug
July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You will go to an auction on Tuesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you see anybody this week who looks like Oprah Winfrey, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
Sunday, November 25, 2018
Monday, November 19, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th November 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A pretty young woman connected to the number 44 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. In a parallel universe you were born as Charlie Brown. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Wednesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not William Shakespeare, Something about the number 83 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You are not Elizabeth Taylor, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like John Katz. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A pretty young woman connected to the number 44 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. In a parallel universe you were born as Charlie Brown. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Wednesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not William Shakespeare, Something about the number 83 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You are not Elizabeth Taylor, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like John Katz. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
Sunday, November 11, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th December 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 78. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Lucille Ball in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like James Dean then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 78. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Lucille Ball in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like James Dean then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
Sunday, November 4, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th November 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 5 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something about the number 22 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Wednesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Mahatma Gandhi, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 5 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something about the number 22 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Wednesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Mahatma Gandhi, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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