Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th February 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Something about the number 55 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Ernest Hemingway. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Tuesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Monday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as David Beckham, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.