Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th December 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Wednesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
You have dandruff, do something about it! You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Phil Donahue then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Tuesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Monday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Try relaxing on Wednesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.