Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th September 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color white. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. The number 86 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

The number 20 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 14 feet, but no more than a mile. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th September

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Thursday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. On Thursday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 34 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). On Thursday, the color black, the number 83 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Take extra special care on Monday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Wake up at 3:00 AM on Monday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th September 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 66 feet, but no more than a mile. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A yellow car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Tuesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Monday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Tuesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th September 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like James Dean, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jim Carrey, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Andy Rooney and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A man connected with the number 72 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Monday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

[?2004h