Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th November 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Ray Charles driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Paul McCartney, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A pretty young woman connected to the number 58 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Dan Rather in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Neil Diamond, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Miles Davis. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th November 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Something about the number 52 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Charles Yeager. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 96 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Robin Williams will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. If you see anybody this week who looks like Vincent Van Gogh, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th November 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Danny Glover will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing red Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Wednesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The number 74 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Roy Rogers, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th October 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Sigourney Weaver in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Should you wear blue on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Sunday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

[?2004h