Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
In a parallel universe you were born as Thomas Edison. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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