Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Saturday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Fred Astaire, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 18 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing black. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If you see anybody this week who looks like Herman Cain, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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