A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Michael Jackson driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like General Norman Schwarzkopf. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You will bump into a Mussel on Saturday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. The number 4 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Should you wear red on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Take extra special care on Saturday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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