Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Should you wear purple on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing black. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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