This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Mother Teresa and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you see anybody this week who looks like Andy Griffith, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Monday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like William James. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Pelé in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Avoid the number 46 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
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