Sunday, January 4, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th January 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. On Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. When you and a Limpet get together on Sunday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

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