Sunday, January 11, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th January 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 85 feet, but no more than a mile. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If you see a barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Tuesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug
July 26th

In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A man connected with the number 61 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

The number 52 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

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