Sunday, January 18, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th January 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. This is certainly a week where if you see a slug, then you should given them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Hook up with an octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug
July 26th

The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This is a good time to hook up with an Octopus. With your fondness of small, shiny things, and their enveloping could have a great life together.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Your future is looking particularly rosy at the moment. This is in part due to the affections of a certain Oyster that you know. On the one hand they are adorable, on the other hand they are very messy. It's a tough call but maybe you should just go ahead and get married.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

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