Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th November 2011

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.