Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st November 2011

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like William F. Buckley, Jr., then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 48, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. The number 62 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A green car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If you see anybody this week who looks like Peter Jennings, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.