Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th November 2011

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You are not Napoleon, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If you see anybody this week who looks like Vincent Van Gogh, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Jim Carrey in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Try relaxing on Friday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.