A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something about the number 70 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Thursday this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Elvis Presley. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Sunday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A pretty young woman connected to the number 75 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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